As if it were all I could do

from by Jam Jars

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lyrics

I rode to her house with the sun bearing down on my shoulders all beaten and dry
Looked at the bricks and the vines, trapped just outside the gate by her year-old goodbye
Found both my feet in the dirt, cut a notch in my palm when I felt myself sigh
Ran away softly and thought of the roots that will grow on my bones when I die

Stood on my skeleton
Eyes folded up at the sides in that way that they do
She laughs me to sleep every night
With her hair made of silk and her feet made of glue
Pale slender fingers all tight at my neck
And her shoulderblades shaking right through
She laughs me to sleep from her bed far away
I remember her heartbeat untrue

Beating me still from the sunrise I turn seven steps where I started to run
And think of her safe in those walls while I wander alone and take bites from my tongue
The gate doesn’t stop me this time and my breath doesn’t fog any window or eye
I think of the future she painted up and down my spine, such a beautiful lie

Stood on my skeleton
Eyes folded up at the sides in that way that they do
She laughs me to sleep every night
With her hair made of silk and her feet made of glue
Pale slender fingers all tight at my neck
And her shoulderblades shaking right through
She laughs me to sleep from her bed far away
I remember her heartbeat untrue

The door still remembers the day it slammed shut on my face and slit open my throat
The way it spat back to the sky all the wails that I gave and the letters I wrote
I leave it again, for the day, but the time drips ahead like a shivering road
And the hotel room beds, they have arms far too weak to be helping me shoulder this load

Stood on my skeleton
Eyes folded up at the sides in that way that they do
She laughs me to sleep every night
With her hair made of silk and her feet made of glue
Pale slender fingers all tight at my neck
And her shoulderblades shaking right through
She laughs me to sleep from her bed far away
I remember her heartbeat untrue

I’m leaving the bible in the bedside table and throwing myself to the rain
A gun in my pocket, a flower in hand back to knock on the front door again

I’ll sit on her skeleton
Fold up her eyes in that beautiful way that they do
Sing her to sleep in my arms
With her hair made of silk and her feet made of glue
Wrap her small hands round my neck for the last time
As if it were all I could do
Listen to that last thump thump and wish on my own gun
That she could have been true

credits

from Grey Skies, Green Grass, released September 8, 2014

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